I need to stop coming to work sober
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
and i looked up. we had an audience...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
