did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
