I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
