Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
