you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
