I've blown a few things in my day
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
