i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
