He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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