Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't EVER smell your tampon
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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