Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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