guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
