For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
