I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
my liver is dry heaving
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