Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
