So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
