Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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