lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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