If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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