you guys were way drunker than both of me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
