watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I love you. Go after that dick
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
