They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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