We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
