Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
