She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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