I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
