I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
