im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
