Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Last time i carry you out of a forest
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
