i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
