I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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