atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
