peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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