Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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