Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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