Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
