my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
