Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
