i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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