So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
