the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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