Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
