She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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