I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
