I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize