Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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