and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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