I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize