So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
