it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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