meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
