Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
