we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
