apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
