hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
