Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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