Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
