this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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