i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
