Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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