She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize