I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize