I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
