I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
