I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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