Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Pants are for mortals
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
